C.H.A.O.S.

ng it for a count of four before expelling all the air out of my lungs. I take a baby wipe from the pack I brought up here to sit on the coffee table. I remove the waterproof makeup I placed on my forearms.

The men around me suck in a sharp collectively at the sight of the vertical scars running up my forearms. Its difficult to look at the hurt in their eyes, so I look down at the coffee next to the wipes is a curved knife Ransom gave me ten years ago, the same I used on myself over six years ago.

”I tried to commit suicide sophomore year. I was missing Dad and Carson. Mostly Carson because the other half of my soul, my twin, was gone. It still doesn feel like he is gone sometimes. I swear I can hear him in my head on occasion. I just wanted to be with him again.

I know the night I tried to commit suicide you guys tried to call. All five of you knew something was wrong on instinct. I wish I wouldve had the courage to talk to any one of you, but I didn want you guys to stop me from being with Carson again, ” I say with my voice strangled as I try to keep my tears at bay.

None of the guys speak so I continue on. ”I was being selfish, I get that. I wasn thinking about how much my death would hurt my mother or you guys. At the same time, I thought that maybe you five would be better off without trying to take Carsons place or taking care of me. ”

I can the argument start to form on their faces. ”I was wrong. I can see that. Ive heard rumors around town about you guys. How you all changed when my mom whisked me away from the hospital to another state.

Im grateful to her though because working on a ranch with an equine-assisted therapy program helped me. The owner is friends with my uncle, and he gave me the red horse down there, ” I say, and my horse nickers at me as if knowing I was talking about him.

I chuckle, ”Yes Loki, I was talking about you. ” I finally glanced back up at my boys who all are stiff and had clenched jaws. ”Loki was unsuitable for the therapy program and wasn a good ranch horse. None of the hands could have a good relationship with him or his older brother Thor besides Storm and me. For some reason, those two horses bonded with us. ”

After a few awkward minutes, one of the boys finally speaks. ”Why didn you ever say anything Moon-Bear? ” Lachlan asks with so much regret and sorrow shining in his Caribbean eyes.

I shrug my shoulders. ”Depression is a monster. There isn much more you boys could have done for me at the time. I was my happiest when I was with you guys, however. It was when I was alone that my mind would wander to unpleasant thoughts. ”

”Why didn you call us afterward? ” Weston asks finally speaking up.

Mom found me in the bathtub bleeding out. She immediately attempted to staunch the bleeding, calling an ambulance to rush me to the hospital. In the process of pulling me out my phone went for a swim and so did hers. We lost all our contacts since we had nothing backed up, ” I say removing my phone in a waterproof case out of my pocket.

”Give it here, ” Lachlan commands holding his hand out to me. Without a second thought, I hand him my phone. A few moments later he hands it back to me. ”There now you have all of our contact information including Rans when he gets out. I also backed everything up to your email account.. ”

I thank him and before I can ask them about Ransom, Arson demands in that fierce way of his to explain Storm since he seems too close to me personally.