my dear lover

what happened?….

I had a whole lot of situation when I returned back to school for my last semester, I had to face a lot of challenges before this whole situation had to come in.

I was a student with a lot on my mind and my hope of making things better for my family. all my life I never thought of what makes me happy but rather what will make a change in my familys life, what will make them happy, what will make my parents proud and everything else was all about them in my life.

I came to this college and I didn like it, I felt heavy in my chest every time I had to go back there and it wasn a good feeling.

I have my own struggles, I am always at war with my mind, soul, feelings, dream, reality and family.

I think all those played a role in why didn want to be in a relationship.

Just like I said before what that man said I had already been approached by many of which is not something to brag about, but the answer remained the same ”No ” because I felt I wasn ready for it.

I hardly have time for myself so bringing someone else into my life who will also need my attention was a bit challenging to me because I felt the person actually deserves better than me, a girl who is not even sure if she loves herself and how in the world would the other person accept that I will give less in this relationship and more to my family?

Im weird right? I know, I sometimes finds it difficult to figure myself out.

but things changed when I met him…..

since I was almost done with school I decided to send my things back home since I was free that week and wanted to spend some time home from this suffocating environment called school.

so I went to the road side to get a cab to help me carry my stuffs to my bus from hostel,

who would have thought going there will bring someone who became a part of my life that will be remembered if I am asked in that regards.

before meeting this person the mans words to me was indeed true, I had met a lot of guys

who proposed to me and I refused and truth be told it was really tiring for me, one of the reason I rejected them was not because they weren good for me but the mans words came with a warning and my family was more important to me than desires and pleasure.

but this guy almost melted the defense I had put up.

when I went to the road side, the car I stopped didn actually stop but the next one stopped and there he was. he was the one driving the car, he stopped and….

” hello, do you need a taxi ”

” yes, please I want you to come with me to my hostel and help me with my things to the bus station ”

”ok lets go ”

I sat in the car and we went to my hostel, pack my stuff and we set off to the bus station.

I swear, when i met him I had no feelings for him, I didn like him or hate him either. I thought it was going to be just a business transaction where after today we will never meet again but things didn go like that

in the car, he talked to me nicely and I thought if you want a customer thats actually how you should behave but as we proceed more I noticed he was trying to create a conversation of which out of politeness I responded. when I reached the bus station he asked for my number and I gave it to him because he was handsome and he looked decent.

after boarding my bus and the bus setting off, along the way I received a call and it was him asking whether I have reached, I replied no and he said I should call him when I reach.

I reached home and I didn call him back, on the third day when I thought that was all, he called

” hello, I am Emmanuel, the cab driver you met on your way home ”

” ok ”

” you didn call back ”

” sorry I forgot ”

” thats ok, so when will you return ”

” in two days time ”

” ok, when you arrive call me and I will come and see you ”

”ok ”

”bye ”

”bye ”

on returning back to campus, I received a call again and it was him, since he already know where I stay he came around and had a chat with me. he told me he liked me and he wanted me to be his girlfriend, I refused but he became consistent and he was really a gentleman so I agreed, he came there often when he had a chance and he treated me kindly but I became insecure,

did I told you I have insecurities? ok, I do, I have insecurities about my body from my face to toes. I have insecurities about everything about my life, so i felt insecure with thoughts of not being good enough for him to the point that when he couldn call for week, I thought he let go because I wasn good enough. I didn like this feeling.

with this feeling I felt I wasn really ready for a relationship so I let go of him.